breathing smoke and feeling alive
Distressedthe fact that i fully realize that i could never completely own what i want...that feeling of utter balance and being just so-so at ease with the world. here 'back home' i haven't felt it at all, there's this agitation under my skin that makes me restless and sound retarded to everyone around me. i'm not...anorexic or stupid or a drug addict or suicidal. but i feel like i have to be here ['at home.'] because i'm so tense, so shot through with adrenaline.
i could take the easyeasy way out. blame him. say i'm suffering from being 'abandoned.' but its so much more than that, and i am so much more mature to realize that could never be the real reason. placing blame is the kid's way out. and it felt good to...for about one day. then that agitation comes back.
i fell in love this summer. not with a boy [out of 'love' in that case] but with simplicity. and so fucking jealous that i...have stubbornly put myself on a path that could never guarantee it. [yeah, you're all thinking, then change what you want to do, make life simple for yourself] it's not that easy, not that simple. and...i live in america. i'm an american citizen, born and raised here. but i, i am completely chinese in any case that could ever matter. and we, we do not follow the 'american way' of doing what you love, no matter what. its about...family and the people who gave up their lives so you could be something sparkling and wonderful and the embodiment of their dreams. and you want so hard to be that.
and i'm not sure why i'm writing this all. it should be in some diary and hidden away to read on rainy days when i'm feeling like a self-pitying mess. i guess i'm lonely. coming home this summer was almost impossible, i honest to god cried and begged to stay. but in the end i knew...i had my work to do here, my responsibilities to my studies, my sport, my parents, and my own future.
it's so cold here you know? my hands are known for always being cold and icy. but there...at home, their not. i'm alive and warm. firey bright. this sounds like some pathetic emo diary journal. i guess it is. but thats why its here. i could post it on facebook and field millions of idiots telling me things that are completely mindless. but here...where fewfew will read it, i know those who do, will have an inkling of what i'm feeling. i'm happy if no one read this.
but in a way...in the vanity we have as human obviously-i want everyone to see this.
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i'm not afraid to die. but i'm afraid to dry./
"Je ne suis pas d’accord avec ce que vous dites, mais je me
battrai jusqu’? la mort pour que vous ayez le droit de le dire"
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Would you stand with me, in the heart of a blurred city, just solitary figures among a revolution of color and thunder?
love.
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Would you stand with me, in the heart of a blurred city, just solitary figures among a revolution of color and thunder?
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she's lucid and departed.
I am ~FrozenIsh's sugah mama.
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Would you stand with me, in the heart of a blurred city, just solitary figures among a revolution of color and thunder?
i'm back!!!
you should spend more time on dev
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Would you stand with me, in the heart of a blurred city, just solitary figures among a revolution of color and thunder?
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